Shepherd Grace

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Shepherd Grace

Written by Bella Miller, Shepherd’s mom

I actually have not written down this part of our story yet. Truthfully, I am not really sure where to begin. Alex and I welcomed our sweet first born, Callahan, into the world October 2022. Postpartum was hard for me. I finally reached out to my doctor in February seeking help for postpartum depression. By May? I was finally feeling my new normal. Around July, Cal was 9 months and Alex and I began talking about what it looked like to have another baby. We want our kids close in age. Like getting pregnant with Callahan, we were not necessarily “trying” but wanted the Lord to be at the center of whatever He had planned for our family. So, “His will be done,” was kinda my mantra.

It took a month to get pregnant with Cal, and then, again, only one month to become pregnant with our second baby. It’s strange. I don’t think I will ever forget the dates of when I found out I was pregnant, when we lost our baby, and when the expected due date was to be, April 29th. I found out I was pregnant August 10th. I still had not gotten my period since I was breastfeeding Callahan, so I was unable to really tell how far along I was at that moment. I had taken the test because I was spotting which I had not done since 2021. The next day I called my doctor to tell her I had a positive pregnancy test and we scheduled an appointment for the first week of September. Everything felt fine and seemed fine! I began having food aversions, which reassured me that little baby was growing.

Then, labor day weekend, my spotting came back heavier. Then, Monday, I started cramping. I messaged my doctor what was happening and she got me in for an ultrasound for that following Friday. All week I was cramping and spotting, but it never got worse. At my appointment Friday, I went alone, and as the ultrasound went on the screen, my heart dropped. The sac was there, but I did not see a baby. The technician comforted me by saying that I was only six weeks and that the baby still just might not be noticeable. As I went to the doctor’s office, my doctor was very kind and told me that she likes to be more hopeful than not. At that moment, it was a 50/50 chance of a viable pregnancy. Deep down, though, I knew and was less hopeful. We scheduled another ultrasound to happen exactly one week from that day which would give us a “for sure” answer.

So excited to be expecting baby #2!

At my appointment Friday, I went alone, and as the ultrasound went on the screen, my heart dropped.

I remember waking up Tuesday, Sept. 12 feeling sick. I was extremely crampy and even called in from work. My camps only got worse as the day went on and closer together. Around 6p, I remember saying to myself, I feel like I am in labor and these are contractions. As I just put Cal down for the night, I went into the bathroom and felt my body pushing. From 830p to 1230a my body let go of our second baby.

Unfortunately, that night I ended up passing out from the amount of blood that was lost and taken to the ER. September 13th we got the news that we had miscarried our second baby. The same day my doctor wanted me to come to the office to get an ultrasound to make sure that everything had passed. All but part of the placenta had passed. I remember feeling just mortified when she told me this and began bawling. I could not do it any more. The waiting was the worst part. These were my options: wait out for my body to naturally let go, take pills to help contract to hopefully help pass what was left, or D&C to get everything else. I opted to first take the pills and then scheduled a D&C for the following Monday, just in case. Thursday was….my birthday. So, I waited until Friday to take the pills. Once taken, it only took 15 minutes for something to pass. I was sure that that was all of it and that was going to be the end of it. Monday came. We went in for an ultrasound first to make sure, and sure enough more placenta was still hanging in there. An hour later, I was getting ready for the D&C on Sept. 18th.

I wish I could say that that was the last of it. But, emotionally and mentally it really still is much a part of me and my family every day. About a month after losing our baby, we decided to name our child Shepherd Grace. Even though that night was incredibly terrifying and sad, the Lord’s hand was clearly seen. That morning, I read a devotion about Psalm 23. In the moments where I had passed out the only thing I can remember was reciting Psalm 23 over and over and over again. He is our good Shepherd and never left us for one second. Grace—because even though I only got to carry that sweet baby for almost 7 weeks it was such a gift and so full of joy.

Donate to our “Still their mom” campaign to support our ministry efforts for moms like Bella

Real life ways we support loss moms as an organization – and the associated cost:

  • Our organization is sending 20 of the 100 moms to the Bereaved Mother’s Day Tea this Sunday. (cost: $50 to send 1 mom)
  • We have sent 60 free care packs to new loss moms in the last year. (cost: $2,400, approx. $40/ea)
  • We sent 300+ cards to bereaved moms and infertility warriors this year. (cost: $450)
  • This past year, we gave out $25,000 to cover loss-associated medical bills for 18 moms and their families. In the fall, we plan to give $25,000 more.
  • We design spaces and connection events for moms to share and meet other moms. (cost: ~$25,000)